CLUE
by shards
Summary: The C.L.U.E. team tries to solve the mysterious death of Pickle McPickle! A strange parody, written on two hours of sleep and coffee. Read and enjoy.
1. The death of Pickle McPickle!

Well, um . welcome to CLUE - a very unoriginal parody by Kazey. It's one of those stories that you write when you're bored, and that kind of get out of hand. Read it if you really want, I guess .  
  
And while I'm at it, I don't own any of the original CSI characters, or the story, or even the title. Heck, I don't even own a single pair of Greg's shoelaces. Not that I'm obsessed, or anything. Really. And if I ever actually figure out what CLUE stands for, I'll let you know.  
  
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There's a lot of things this story could have been about. There was the square root of Pi. And there were short knotted pieces of string. But before them all came the SPOKKY, and so that's what it is. So nyah.  
  
It was a dark and stormy night, or it would have been, had it not been an extraordinarily sunny afternoon.  
  
Pickle McPickle walked into his kitchen on this bright and sunny day, and GASPED in horror. "Wha - wha - wha - WHA - " - he paused for breath - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
-----  
  
Inspector Susie McSusie examined the corpse of McPickle, which was sprawled across the ceramic tile of his kitchen floor. She tapped her foot impatiently, waiting for the dramatic entrance of the CLUE team: Kazey Zollywag, Lunar Luna Lunatic (or Jamie, as she was known around the lab), and Aphy Aphy Aphy Aphy Aphius (don't ask). It wasn't a good time for her to be frustrated, because her medication was starting to wear off, and she already thought the microwave was talking to her.  
  
"Nice weather, isn't it?" McSusie blinked a couple of times before deciding to answer.  
  
"Yep," she answered, "except for the whole McPickle thing."  
  
"Yep, it sure looks bad from here."  
  
"I don't suppose you've got any ideas about it?"  
  
"Actually," it replied, "I have a -" the microwave paused for a second, as if it was either very deep thought, or had been suddenly hit by a sixteen- tonne weight. "You wouldn't mind just opening the door, would you?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just do it, please."  
  
McSusie shrugged, and opened the microwave. She was a bit surprised when Kazey, Jamie, and Aphy tumbled out of it onto the McPickle ceramic tile.  
  
"How did you ....?"  
  
"Yes?" said Aphy, drawing out the vowel.  
  
"Well, um ..."  
  
"Yeees?"  
  
"What's with the microwave?"  
  
"Well," said Jamie, "It sort of started with the crumpets. And then there was the purple paintbrush. Or was it the hyperactive paperclip?" she mused.  
  
"It was the paintbrush," corrected Kazey, who was starting to examine the odd ring-shaped wound on McPickle's forearm.  
  
"Right, the paintbrush," continued Jamie. "And then it was the hyperactive paperclip. The purple wizard didn't help much either, so - "  
  
"That's - that's okay," interrupted McSusie. "I don't really need to know."  
  
"Any ideas what happened here?" asked Aphy, who was trying to pull a camera and tripod out of the microwave.  
  
"Not really," said McSusie, "The deceased is Pickle McPickle, age 27. His brother called for an ambulance after coming home and finding him like this; he says it was about an hour ago."  
  
"Isn't Pickle McPickle kind of an odd name? What were his parents called, Mustard and Processed Cheese?"  
  
McSusie checked the clipboard she was holding.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Did anyone notice that McPickle has an 'I Love Cheese' tattoo across his forehead?" Kazey was sitting on the floor and drumming her fingers on the tiles. Blank stares met her question. "I don't think it's relevant, I just wanted to know if you saw it."  
  
McSusie sighed, checked her pockets, realized that she probably wouldn't have a chance to run back to her car and find the rest of her medication (the way this was going so far, it looked like she'd need the whole bottle), and decided to move the plot along a bit:  
  
"Any idea how he died?"  
  
"A few," said Kazey, who was now sitting in the kitchen sink, wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat and holding a little pipe from which soap bubbles were ballooning, "My best theory so far is that he died by SPOKKY." The background music shifted to a more sinister note, and people's eyes widened as they realized the implications of this prediction. "I want to talk to the brother," she said.  
  
[Theme Song]  
  
Normally there should be lyrics here,  
  
But there aren't,  
  
So just bear with me for a couple chapters  
  
And I'll put something in soon,  
  
I promise.  
  
Heck,  
  
You could even sing this,  
  
If you really wanted to.  
  
^_^  
  
[End Theme Song]  
  
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Yeah. That's it. For now, I guess. ^_^; If it looks like it's actually going anywhere, then I'll put more up. 


	2. CRAZY people!

Pickle McPickle's brother sat on the sofa, looking sad but distracted by the questions that Aphy and Jamie were asking him.  
  
"Repeat after me," said Aphy, looking very serious. "Silk, Silk, Silk."  
  
"Silk, Silk, Silk."  
  
"What do cows drink?"  
  
"...Milk...?"  
  
Aphy's face lit up. "I knew he'd get it wrong!" she exclaimed, then turned to face Jamie, grinning. "You owe me five bucks."  
  
"Shouldn't you be asking me important questions?" He seemed nervous.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like ... Like what my name is. Doesn't that matter?"  
  
"Not really," said Jamie, looking at McSusie's clipboard (she had taken it away, because McSusie had started a heated debate about gun control with one of the cats). "Everything we need to know is on here." Aphy's eyes glinted.  
  
"That's right," she said, grinning. "EVERYTHING. Bwa ha ha ha."  
  
"Anyway, It says that your name is ... Steve?" Jamie looked puzzled. "That stands out a bit."  
  
"Why?" asked Steve.  
  
"Shouldn't you be called something like 'Ketchup' or 'Lettuce' or 'Sesame Seed Bun'?"  
  
Steve shrugged. "I'm the black sheep of the family," he said. "Are you sure you're both qualified for a job like this?"  
  
"Of COURSE!" shouted Jamie. Her eyes narrowed, and she fixed Steve with an evil glare. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"No - no reason." Steve took a very sudden interest in the color of the ugly shag carpet. It was beginning to dawn on him that this might not turn out like that TV show, the one with the guy, and the other guy, and Greg. "Either way, does anyone know what happened to him?" Aphy looked up from the clipboard, where she'd been reading about the many uses of cheese.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Pickle."  
  
"No thanks."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't like pickles."  
  
"Not a pickle!"  
  
"Who's not a pickle?" asked Jamie.  
  
"Never mind ..."  
  
-----  
  
Kazey pulled on a white lab coat as she stepped into the autopsy room, where Selphie McSelphie, the coroner, was supposed to have been working on the examination of McPickle.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," she said. "Did you find anything?"  
  
"What do you mean?" McSelphie was looking a little green around the gills, and seemed anxious to stay turned away from the body.  
  
"...I mean, did you find out what killed him?"  
  
"How am I supposed to do that?"  
  
What a question. "Well," began Kazey, "Normally you would take one of those scalpels, and-"  
  
McSelphie blanched. "You mean you want me to cut him open?" She seemed shocked that anyone would dare voice the idea out loud.  
  
"That's generally the idea, yes."  
  
"That's DISGUSTING!"  
  
"That's why you're the coroner; so that other people don't have to do it." Kazey paused for a second. "I take it that you haven't actually done anything yet."  
  
"No! Why would I want to?"  
  
Kazey sighed, realized she was probably on her own for this one, and picked up a scalpel.  
  
"Wait! What are you doing? Can you DO that? Hey! Mph-" McSelphie ran out of the room, looking like she was about to be sick. Kazey shook her head, wondered how McSelphie had managed to keep her job for this long, and continued with McPickle's autopsy.  
  
-----  
  
Jamie stepped into the J.H. Henderson hallway, trying to spot Aphy through the randomly appearing windows. She hoped the right lab would show up quickly; it'd taken her a few days to find it last time.  
  
James H. Henderson was a relatively unknown physicist who lived on top of the CLUE building. His only contribution to the laboratory was also the most unwelcome - his 'functional' endless hallway. It worked somewhat like a large treadmill, but a treadmill on which you could take any direction you wanted, including down and up. There were a few glitches in the mechanics, of course; like the way the rooms would appear at random intervals instead of where they were built into the design. These would probably never be fixed, as Henderson had died a few years ago from a fatal injury he received during an experiment with rubber bands and chalk. The prototype for the hallway, however, had recently been installed at Jamie's request, because it was cool.  
  
Kazey and Aphy were located in a large room with microscopes, tables, and squirrels hiding under desks. Kazey was examining something with a magnifying glass.  
  
"Jamie," she said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I don't like the hallway."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It took me seven hours to find this room."  
  
"We could use a different one."  
  
"That's not funny."  
  
Aphy blinked. "Yes it is," They looked at her quizically. The duck sitting on the table quacked. "He says he's pleased to meet you," she translated.  
  
"You ... understand that?" Jamie was a bit taken aback.  
  
"Of course," said Aphy. "Can't you?" Jamie glanced at Kazey. Kazey shrugged.  
  
"Everyone has a quirk," she said. "And Aphy's might help. She found the duck in McPickle's VCR." Jamie looked disappointed.  
  
"Well I found the half-eaten pizza!"  
  
"And I found the flippers!" countered Aphy.  
  
"But IIIIII found the lipstick!" Aphy looked blank.  
  
"Why does that count?"  
  
"I don't think McPickle wore lipstick."  
  
"Maybe his brother did." Everyone accepted this as a plausible explanation.  
  
"Either way," began Kazey, "None of this will help until we find a new lab tech - " Jamie tore her gaze away from the duck, who she could swear had been staring at her strangely.  
  
"You mean we lost the last guy, too? What happened to him?"  
  
"He ran out of the building screaming one day. Something about 'crazy people'. We didn't really ever figure out what happened."  
  
"There must have been more applications," said Jamie. Kazey leafed through a pile of forms spread across the table.  
  
"One."  
  
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Hmm ... I realized at the end of this chapter that I kind of turned Kazey into a doctor. ^_^ oh well. And yes, I did steal the 'Silk, Silk, Silk' thing from an actual episode. 


End file.
